When “Fuck you” is the appropriate response
Many years ago Frank Farrelly told me a story. He was running a Provocative Therapy workshop in Europe and on day one an attractive woman came up to him and made the following comment – “I want to take you to lunch so I can see you on a one to one basis and tell me EVERYTHING about Provocative Therapy” Frank replied “Have you read my book?” She replied “No” Frank responded “Well, fuck you!” and the woman burst into tears and headed for the rest room! At the time I thought “Blimey that’s a bit harsh” but have since begun to appreciate that “fuck you” is in some situations the most appropriate response.
I have noticed in recent times that more people appear to think that they have a right for all others to answer and respond to any questions they may ask. I consider myself pretty relaxed when it comes to answering questions even when they are a bit daft because I used to ask what I call many “Homer Simpson questions” myself, BUT I am in some cases leaning more towards Frank’s style of dealing with such scenarios!
Such questioners can often believe that others “must respond” to anything they ask until they feel satisfied with the response. This essentially translates into then being in agreement with the questioner or answering in a manner where the questioner feels that they now feel “important”.
In many such instances questions are either extremely ill formed where the questioner is not able or refuses to define what they are asking, or there is an assumption that everyone “should” reply to their satisfaction in the manner that they feel is “appropriate” Those therapists who deal with anger issues will recognize how similar this behaviour is to clients with anger problems where they feel everyone “should” behave in a manner according to “their beliefs!” Such folks tend to bully others and are attention seekers, often making all kinds of generalizations about other people’s behaviour and how they “should explain themselves”. In extreme cases these folks appoint themselves as the moral compass for how everybody else “should behave”.
My own view is that healthy discussion and debate is a great way for all of us to learn but there is not duty for any of us to answer any questions, it’s our individual choice. I mentioned that “I’m leaning towards using the fuck you response”! But at present have found a useful strategy is just not to engage with such nonsense.
This is as the other person has already made their minds up (from the evidence in their imagination). Online discussions are full of such folks spending hours posting about how others “should behave” and how every “well-meaning person” would be “on the right track” if only they agreed with them and followed their step by step advice.
In the era of the internet, this nonsense occurs on a daily basis and is mostly harmless. However in some cases as reported in the media it’s very easy for people in their overheated and sometimes alcohol charged states to actually libel others which can have a whole bunch of other consequences.
This kind of behaviour is a far cry from constructive discussion and in many instances the questioners only create a toxic environment where nobody now wants to discuss anything. Usually once they are sufficiently challenged by others they then adopt “the victim role” again behaviorally very similar to anger clients, who adopt this strategy to once again attempt to be the centre of attention! To quote Frank once again I think the more extended response I heard him once use in 2004 is actually totally appropriate –
“Fuck you and the horse you rode in on…”
Provocative Change Works
Frank Farrelly was in my view decades ahead of his time in developing Provocative Therapy. My own Provocative Change Works model is of course greatly influenced by his work. Of course both Provocative Change Works (PCW) and Provocative Therapy are quite challenging for many traditional therapists.
Frank also said “Throw away your professional dignity in the service of the client” In both PCW and PT, practitioners and therapists need to get past their own insecurities and appreciate that they are there above all to help the client.
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