I was talking recently to a professional colleague about what I call “the victim mindset” and “attention seeking behaviours” Such individuals who consider themselves as “victims” believe that “others” are responsible for how they feel, think and overall situation in life. This kind of thinking is increasingly very common in society and I have seen many clients with this attitude. The individual insists that their life predicament is wholly the result of other people’s actions. This reminds me of the “it’s not your fault stance” in Provocative Therapy and Provocative Change Works approaches.
Such individuals always blame everyone else for their life situation and when actually given advice and assistance they often complain that they are being “bullied!”. Essentially they want to have their cake and eat it, they request assistance and advice, but don’t want to actually do anything differently or take the advice. They then voice “concerns” and “moans” either anonymously to anyone who will listen to them and never the actual person they have an issue with.
I have increasingly witnessed this behaviour in recent times and some of the examples are really quite fascinating. This victim mindset usually leads to longstanding resentment with the person increasingly ruminating about how they feel they have been wronged by others. Some even decide against all advice to have their day in court and seek legal rulings, again rather than discussing directly with who is seen as the responsible party. This kind of behaviour often occurs in online interactions as the “victims” seek attention to support their beliefs of being “wronged” by other parties. I have seen many examples of this over the years and the ‘victims” make ever more ludicrous claims about being wronged by others. My advice is always to refrain from engaging such individuals as this only encourages them to continue with further attention seeking behaviour. Many such individuals find it hard to interact or work with others and seek out like minds that will agree with the perceived wrong doing. Online this creates a pack type mindset and this behaviour very common on social networking groups such as Facebook.
Common phrases uttered (always to others) by such folks include
“He/She made me…”
“They did X to me…”
“People should…”
This behaviour occurs in both business and social contexts. In the business context the imagined victim is unable and unwilling to separate social interactions from professional relationships and unsurprisingly this creates all kinds of problems. The victim believes that being confronted with other points of view constitutes being “bullied” rather than being called to account for their actions. Much of these problems continue because the victim won’t actually clarify the “issue” with the person they imagine is bullying them! They will however spend endless hours moaning to others and engage in attention seeking behaviour as “the victim”
This lack of accepting personal responsibility is the central theme to this behaviour. They also seek to apportion ALL BLAME to third parties who they imagine are “responsible” for making them “feel this way” By playing the victim role they can attempt to endlessly elicit sympathy and remain the centre of attention. This imagined victim stance is very different to genuine victims in life who have real life problems. The central theme is being “wronged” by everyone else.
To quote a famous “Carry On” movie “Infamy, infamy, they all have it in for me!”
The best advice I can give for working with such folks is to not be drawn into the attention seeking behaviour. They will usually insist that others behave and respond in a particular manner and have a hissy fit if they don’t get their own way. I have seen some wonderful temper tantrums and outbursts over the years and as my friend Andrew T Austin would comment “Your behaviour is not going to dictate my response” Often they will try to get attention by speaking to a third party and again the best strategy is do nothing, don’t buy into the bullshit. Many have used these manipulations for years and had everyone dancing to their tune! The “victim” always has a vested interest in maintaining the problem state and despite what they proclaim is ultimately not interested in any views other than their own. Of course different therapeutic practitioners may well disagree with these views and I welcome discussion, but fully stand by my observations based on many years of seeing this type of behaviour.
If you are a therapist or practitioner I strongly advise ensuring that you have a policy of setting clear guidelines for receiving clients. When I confirm agreeing to take on clients I always include this paragraph in correspondence confirming a session date
“Please read the private sessions section at http://www.nickkemp.com which details the many approaches I use and how to get the best from each client session. The site also details my Provocative Change Works approach for working with clients which is quite different to other therapeutic approaches. If you have any questions after looking at my site, please speak to me directly in person on 01274 622994.
No practitioner or therapist can guarantee total success, but most clients report great improvements in 2 3 sessions. Be assured you will receive my best attention at all times.”
Many such individuals who play “victim” tend to request refunds when the practitioner challenges their unhelpful mindset! The tragedy is that such clients don’t realise that they are literally victim of their own self-obsessed thinking and lack of appreciation to anyone attempting to genuinely help them! Most clients are a pleasure to work with and appreciate that they are paying for the time of the practitioner. However in rare circumstances some clients “that play the victim “can become obsessive. In all such situations never respond to such attention seeking behaviours and simply keep a complete record of all communications.
I also genuinely welcome anyone interested in discussion to post comments for discussion here below which is a far more constructive and positive way of interacting and which can only assist us all in developing better awareness of how to best serve clients seeking help
All blog posts are as clearly stated on this site my personal opinions from personal observations and experience over many years.
My sister and I were molested by our older brother when she was 15 and I was 13.
We are now 53 and 55 and it’s all she can ever talk about. She is a very controlling person. And She’s obsessed with victim hood. She is tearing our family apart with gossiping and manipulating her other siblings by trying to constantly get sympathy for hat happened 40 yrs ago. She blames everyone. We have a large family and she is so cunning and manipulative. She showers everyone with gifts hoping it will secure her the support she craves. When you speak to her and it comes up, it’s all she ever talks about, she will give you tidbits of how this or that sibling didn’t support her and when you show interest, she drops the subject in hopes of peaking your interest to feel sorry for her. Then backs out of the conversation so that you can’t actually accuse her of saying much. It’s an act that she’s been perfecting for more than 75% of her life. The problem is that since our parents are deceased, she’s having our brother charged. While it is making him accountable for what he did to us, I know it will never be enough. She will be outraged at the justice system as no penalty will ever be enough. And the worst part is, once the legal system issues are dealt with, she will have nothing else to focus on. This has been her identity for 40 yrs. I believe she keeps this ongoing because she won’t know what else to do with herself. He husband enables this tragic cycle as he’s always been under her control. She’s always been the manager of their married life although she has never had a career. She found school tough and skated through and resents not being better with studies. Feeling inferior in many ways plus this trauma has made my sister one of the most impossible people I’ve ever known. Her controlling nature is tiring and I feel like she’s exhausted me and my empathy for her. I am someone who loves to have our family get together and come together putting our differences aside so that we can enjoy each other despite the problems. But her destructive behaviour and playing siblings off each other makes me very sad. She makes terrible comments about our mother which i think is unconscionable as she is gone now and not here to defend herself. It’s so cowardly and I have zero respect for it.
I’m so lost as to what to do.
If you want some therapeutic help, please enquire via http://www.nickkemptherapy.com